Do you have a hard time making it through the day? Do you find that, unless you’re regularly supplemented with caffeine, sugar, and dubious sounding vitamins, you are completely unable to function? No, me neither. Although it seems to be a problem for a lot of people.
Between all the Red Bulls, Five Hour Energies, and Horny Goat Weeds, I have to wonder, just where in the hell did everyone’s energy go? Are people simply eschewing sleep for chemical stimulation, or are they just lazy bastards who need a jolt of energy to get their asses up off the couch?
I have to believe that this is all just a clever marketing ploy to create a false sense of need. It caters to the fact that, from time to time, we all feel drained and/or lazy, especially those of us who could stand to drop a few pounds (i.e. most of us). Instead of chalking it up to having poor diet, no exercise, and lack of sleep, we can simply down a bunch of caffeine to give ourselves that jittery energy that kind of sort of makes it feel like we could stand to get up and go mow the lawn or something.
That is, until it wears off and we feel even worse than before. Luckily, you can buy these drinks in bulk.
If the advertising is to be believed (it’s not), people who need these energy drinks are a healthy mix of young professionals and X-Treme™ athletes. These are people who are working their asses off to get ahead at Generic Business Company, Inc. and just don’t have time to sleep. Or they’re pushing the envelope with all their skateboarding, parkour, and street lugeing and consume far more energy than the average human being. Like hummingbirds, they need to constantly energize themselves with concentrated sugar water or else they would drop dead from exhaustion within a couple of hours.
The reality, at least from what I’ve seen, is much different. Whenever I’m in a convenience store, there are a few different types of people buying energy drinks.
I see a lot of out-of-shape video game enthusiasts, who buy six Red Bulls along with a few bags of Combos and some super sized Hot Pockets. Then they’re off for marathon sessions of World of Warcraft or Halo, where they’ll spaz out when their guy gets killed because their blood stream is clogged with sugar and caffeine since they haven’t eaten anything with actual nutritional value in days.
The next group I see are dudes looking for mixers to help get them, like, totally wasted, bro. They’ll waltz in with the collars on their too-small polo shirts popped and their trucker hats seated at a jaunty angle over their carefully messed hair to buy a dozen cans of Rockstar, a fifth of Smirnoff, and a pack of Marlboros on their way to an overnight drunk, because mixing stimulants and depressants is the balls, broseph.
After that I see a good mix of sleepy college kids and soccer moms who are feeling run down and need a jolt of sugar. These two groups avoid each other so that they can continue pretending that they’re not buying the same crap.
When I was younger, Jolt Cola was about as crazy as it got when it came to sugar and caffeine content in a drink. If Jolt wasn’t available, and it generally wasn’t, you were stuck with Mountain Dew or coffee. These days, Jolt has been re-branded as an energy drink, and Mountain Dew looks tame enough to put in a baby’s bottle compared with NOS, Monster, and all the other ludicrously named beverages available.
What is the deal with the stupid names energy drinks use anyway? Does anyone really want to drink a substance called Pimp Juice? Care to wrap your lips around a big ol’ can of Bawls? I understand that companies name this garbage to appeal to their target demographic, but good lord. At least Five Hour Energy doesn’t sound like it was named by a focus group consisting of nothing but frat boys and developmentally disabled twelve year-old kids.
This has been Dave sayin’: “There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.”
32 Comments
I used to drink alot of energy drinks, especially when I was in college trying to stay up late to study (or party), but I soon discovered that despite how many of these drinks I had, I would still crash and feel really tired afterwards. Energy drinks are great for a quick boost, but I’ve personally found that if you eat alot of natural foods, fruits and vegetables, you will have a good amount of energy, and never crash.
Here’s a great article explaining the dangers of energy drinks:
http://www.globalhealingcenter.com/natural-health/the-health-dangers-of-energy-drinks/
@ Joshua
Good read, thanks for the link. I love how you can say something contains some vaguely-Asian sounding herb and people will just assume it’s healthy.
I ditched Red Bull and Mountain Dew for green tea and non-sweetened coffee. Feeling so much better now.
yeah well i think energy drinks are the new “coca cola” of today..
coke was yesterday!
i dont believe in the energy liberation through drinks like these…
its just trendy / in-scene!
rock star energy drink is making it back here in south germany/frankfurt..
besides red bull of course..
think about it: vodka with coke or vodka with energy?
energy tastes better 😉
with regards,
stevieflash 😉
@Stevie
Energy tastes better? Horseshit. Those drinks taste absolutely awful.
@Dave:
some people like fanta orange some dont…
and to be honest:
TAKE OFF, EFFECT, FLYING HORSE,.. these really tast like sh… 😉
especially when they warmed up to room temperature : /
The problem with energy drinks vs alternatives that give real energy is accessibility. I am a college student and all over my campus we have soda machines of just energy drinks and Sobe soda fountains with No Fear and we have a couple coffee shops that serve what equates to coffee milkshakes.
Great article though you are (perhaps) purposely left out a group of individuals who use energy drinks often.
Gym Nuts. A good deal of people who attend the gym regularly also use caffeine supplements for energy and also to be able to do an extra set, a few extra reps, etc.
I know this doesn’t necessarily conform to your generalizations of red bull drinkers being out of shape addicts, but it is true nevertheless.
@Mike
I only included people I see on a normal basis. I’m a hopelessly out of shape slob, so I don’t run into to many gym rats. I don’t doubt that most are big time consumers though.
You fail to see that energy drinks are replacing coffee for the new generation.
I’ve read off-line that 911 (Emergency Services) Dispatchers are a core customer contingent for N-R-G drinx.
they taste bad, and have zero nutritional content. want energy? eat natural.
My wife and I were watching a movie recently, and there was a scene with a bunch of middle-class people streaming into a courtroom in early-seventies East Berlin. It struck me that most of the folks –many of them lawyers and reporters– were slender and not one of them had a disposable cup of caffeine in their hands.
I’m a person that need the boost but that is all it is “a boost”. It does not last and if you keep drinking you have to up the quantity to get that boost. Like most people on here have said coffee (sugar free or black) with eating health is the best way to go…
Buy a cookbook and start cooking at home..
Overall I see the point of the article, people are irresponsible lazy fucko’s. Great news. Thanks, but we all knew that already. This is Uhmurka, we are the global for obesity, kings of slobbery and consumption. Thank you for pointing out the obvious and wasting my time.
Next time you construct an article, put some time in, do some research and have some facts and science or at least a clever quip or two if comedy is more your thing. Try providing solutions, and not the obvious ones either. You’re just trolling the energy drink industry, which is all well and good, but I don’t think you even have an objective in doing so except to point and laugh at the expense of others. Way to be a douche.
Be constructive, offer some hard facts and get to your point and follow it with a solution.
Okay, first off, Bawls is freakin’ delicious. Don’t be all hating. 😉
Secondly, I do like the Red Bull and similar, but mostly I tend to use them to prevent sleep when bored. Like while driving long distances and such. Think of a lot of them as “trucker-stimulants” instead of energy drinks, and you can begin to see some of the marketing making more sense.
Finally, for many, these have replaced coffee as the early morning beverage. Don’t think this generation is the first to need massive amounts of caffeine every morning.
Where did everyone’s energy go?
I don’t think it has gone anywhere so much as the energy drinks of today have become the popular mainstream source of caffeine that coffee held so dearly in the past. Twenty or Thirty years anyone who needed a jolt to get through the day simply drank a cup of coffee … back then the commercials of the day were focused on some snazzy new coffee maker as opposed to the latest and greatest energy drink. Why? There is a hell of a lot more profit to be made selling individual cans of soda loaded with extra caffeine for 2-3 dollars a pop as opposed to selling coffee makers and beans.
Furthermore, kids these days are growing up with energy drinks, which are more socially accepted in many youth circles as opposed to say a cup of coffee. It’s becoming more normal for them to have an energy drink, while more and more coffee drinkers are middle aged adults or at least college students.
@hankmurphy
As someone who eats organic & healthy, right on!
Nice read, thanks, I totally agree. Story kind of coincides with an article I read today: Kid plows into a traffic message-board with his pickup, blows a .41 on a subsequent breath-test, which means he falls into the “comatose” category (.50 is “death”).
Another “Red Bull with that vodka, sir?”….
Personally, I prefer the “diet” or “sugar-free” versions of energy drinks if anything. The sugar is what causes the “crash”. Sure, drinks like red-bull are crap. Why? The primary ingredient is caffeine and sugar like you said.
However, take something like five hour energy. Yes, it has caffeine. But it also has phenylalanine, niacin, b-vitamins, etc. These all act in synergy to help your brain produce more dopamine and norepinephrine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that gives you that “smooth” clear-headed energy. It’s not all jitters and crashses. If you combine perfect diet, supplementation, and throw in some caffeine here and there, you will find you are more productive than just those thins alone. Everything in moderation.
There are a lot of energy drinks out there and the quality of most of them I have to say is less than desirable. I finally found a brand that I like, and I ended up becoming a distributor. It’s called XS Energy. It comes in 14 flavors that actually taste just like what it says it should taste like. (ever try describing what a red bull tastes like?) and most of them are Zero Carbs, Zero sugar, the energy comes from adaptogenic herbs and it basically gives you a healthy B-12 blast. I love the stuff which is why I started selling it. Check it out if you want my website is..
http://www.TheEcoRevolution.com
It comes in cases of 12.
yes i think its fair to say some blogger who doesnt really move any muscle during “work” wouldnt ever need energy drinks
If you want to read another article about caffeine and artificial sweeteners in sodas and energy drinks, check out http://www.davesworkout.com/articles.php?read=10 , a research paper i did for a nutrition class.
check out FRS. it’s an energy drink but not full of sugar and caffeine. there’s an antioxidant called Quercetin in it that boosts energy in a healthy way.
Such a pedestrian topic to expel your mindless drivel on. Make a decision about being a pretentious satirical comedian or a pedantic and bitter whiner. You are unoriginal. Get over yourself. Anonymous and won’t be back. Don’t bother with the ego lashbacks. OWNED.
@jimmymcfallace
Well, you certainly put me in my place.
Decent blog. One angle that was missing though is the sports sponsorship angle.
All these companies must be making mad cash in order to sponsor sport teams on such a scale. Take Red Bull: Their F1 team must cost them 100s of millions each year.
I feel it is so sad that people rely on these for a “boost” of energy. I see people drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette while also drinking a Red Bull. I can’t even imagine what that mix is doing to someone’s body. I truly feel that people should be changing their diet and eating energy boosting foods instead i.e. tons of fruits, veggies and fibre and also making sure that they exercise regularly. I can bet that all of you energy drinkers out there will feel so much better.
Well like you mentioned lack of energy and need of energy drink is also due to lack of proper nitration and sleep. But who cares as long as you have 5 hr energy.And of course all this sports heroes in the commercial and the marketing make it ok to drink it like water.
You’re right- the energy drink market has gotten crazy. What people forget is that energy and mood is regulated by that master computer behind our eyeballs known as the brain.
Interestingly, a few days ago a think-drink came out backed by years of research by a guy who literally wrote the book (Brighter Mind) on brain health.
No sugars either, but rather is sweetened with stevia- a natural herb. Wow- what a difference!
http://focusuponline.com
Those wretched-tasting energy drinks may be a trendy replacement for coffee, but they pack a heckuva lot more caffeine than a cuppa joe!
I think there’s some real confusion between the jittery buzz that this junk gives you versus energy. These energy drinks may briefly fool you into thinking you’ve got energy, but you bottom out pretty quickly. And caffeine robs your bones of calcium & dehydrates your body.
Fitting in with your observation, I mostly see out of shape, sometimes chain smoking slobs guzzling down those monstrously-sized drinks. Well, that and lame-brained partyboys looking for an ultra-fast (and ultra-skanky-flavored) drunk.
What’s especially sad is that many of the sports drinks that athletes (and wannabes) chug are just decaf versions of the same high fructose corn syrup-addled swill – except with neon food-coloring added.
I prefer Adderall, water and my Nootropics.
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