Have you noticed this trend of combining words (e.g. bromance, chillax, staycation)? It’s the new big thing. Instead of being witty, charming, or funny, you can simply take two words, cram them together, and call yourself clever. Great, isn’t it? Not really, no. As a matter of fact, I find it insufferable. Granted, in the cosmic scheme of things, people using trendy idioms in their speech and writing is no big deal.
But that’s not what we do here. At DelSquacho, we take minor annoyances and blow them way the fuck out of proportion so that, by comparison, legitimate problems like world hunger, genocide, and child slavery seem like small potatoes. We do this because we’re pedantic assholes.
There was a time when you would see these things in third-class rags filled with poorly written, cutesy-fuck garbage like Cosmo. Unfortunately portmanteaus have now permeated all media so that we’re under constant barrage of stupidity from newspapers, magazines, television, radio, books, and films. Not that we’re not already getting bombarded with an omnipresent fusillade of retardation, of course. Combination word fever is just making it worse.
The worst part of this trend is that people who use these combined words think they’re being witty or at least funny. Unfortunately for those of us who have to hear people using them, even ironically, they are neither. In fact, I would be confident in saying that portmanteaus are the Bataan Death March of wit: a painful, seemingly never-ending affair that makes one envy the dead.
I’m curious where this stupid trend came from (other than Lewis Carroll, of course). I suspect that it stems from the equally irritating tendency to needlessly shorten words (e.g. vacation becomes “vaca”, beverage becomes “bevy”) that’s saturating our language in a foul cloud of laziness and stupidity.
Interestingly, lot of these terms appear to originate from an attempt to blur the lines between the sexes, or at least to prove just how damn secure in their sexuality men are these days by equating normal activities with homosexual relationships. I’m just waiting for the day when meeting a buddy at the bar to watch a football game is referred to as “Having consensual, anal intercourse with a same-sex partner”. It’s only a matter of time.
Why can’t fellas just be fellas? Why can’t we just shower and shave? Is “manscaping” really necessary? Do guys really need to go on “man-dates”? Couldn’t they just do what guys have always done and just hang out with each other? I’m not even really sure what man-dating is supposed to mean. On a man-date, are the men supposed to kiss afterward? If it goes well, will they have sex? I suppose if they both had “man-crushes” on one another, they could always start a “bromance”. The only question left would be which one would have to wear the “guyliner”.
I don’t really know why guyliner is a thing, but it is and we all have to live with it.
There are even a whole class of these words for the current recession, like “funemployment” or “recessionista”. I understand that they’re used to try to make the best of a terrible situation, but if I lost my job because of some corporate chicanery or poorly-run financial implosion, I’d be less than thrilled to be told that I should call myself “funemployed”, and consider this an opportunity to explore new hobbies and/or chase my dreams. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people simply can’t afford that bullshit. We’ve got bills to pay and mouths to feed. We can’t just drop everything and start doing Civil War re-enactments or building scale model railroads instead of working.
Before you know it, people will no longer be homeless, squatting in rundown abandoned factories in dangerous urban hellholes and giving handjobs for meth. They’ll have a great new “destitude” about life while they’re being “crashionistas”. They’ll pursue exciting careers as “manwhores” to facilitate their burgeoning “dependecadence” on methamphetamines. Sure, it’ll still be an awful, brutish life, but at least they’ll have idiotic words with which to describe their utter misery.
This has been Dave sayin': “I eat stickers all the time!”